"Feelings, nothing more than feelings..." I never did like that song, and I know why. Lately, I've realized that over the past 35 + years of my life, I've suffered from what might be called "stunted emotional development." "Fine, whatever," you might say. But for me this doesn't lack significance.

My mother died when I was eight and my father had major issues of his own - trying to raise two fiesty boys and struggling with his own demons. Three guys in one house, with no solid female influnce, resulted in me being ANTI-touchy feely. Meaning: for me, all emotions were suspect. Now, I get the reasons why I never felt anything (emotional detachment, abandonment, etc.). But as a wise man once said to me, "That might explain you, but it doesn't excuse you."

So, over the last year and a half, I've attempted to - and I know this sounds really corny - but I've attempted to identify what I feel. Feelings aren't bad. As a matter of fact, most of them are pretty cool. I love to feel happy, I love to feel excited. There are even aspects of anticipation that feel encouraging. And there is a warm feeling in my heart when my freaky friends at church say the big, four letter, "L" word. (At first I tried to ignore it, but lately, "I love you" hasn't caused my insides to get all rigid.)

I'm beginning to understand that I don't have to play Wack-A-Mole with my feelings, smacking them down every time they pop up. There is no reason to pretend like feelings don't exist. They do. God created humans to feel, and feel I shall.

The only issue in all this is what to do when you feel one of those emotions that suck? When you feel pain in your gut because you hurt for someone you love- what then? When you feel anxious about finances, or the future, and your neck is knotted and your shoulders are up around your ears because you're so tight you could double as a racket ball - what then? Or how about when you're angry at things out of your control, when your head pounds and people around you act insane (or at least different than you'd like) - what then? See, then "feeling" isn't all that grand. As a matter of fact, it is in those times of distress and conflict, turmoil and uncertainty, that truly feeling seems like a cruel punishment.
*I'd rather not feel empathy for my son when he has to get shots - because I know they stink'en hurt and I'd rather he not hurt!
*I'd rather not feel the empty hole in my chest because I don't know how I'm going to make a living in the next three months!
*I'd rather not feel lonely. I'd rather not feel sad. I'd rather.... I'd rather... I'd rather...

Hummm. Much of what I feel concerns tomorrow and a humble rabbi once said, "Don't worry about tomorrow." I take that to mean, "Don't freak out, don't get all up-tight, don't spas out about things that aren't yet real." Take the next moment as it is given to you.

"Yea," I say, "but even the next moment sometimes hurt."
"That's right, " he says, "but there is a healing comfort in those times that brings a peace to calm the sould. See, no matter what you're feeling, I promise to feel it with you." I know I'm not alone in this. I feel His presence.

And with that, I feel like having lunch.