Yea, sometimes it should be difficult, but…

Right now, ministry is in one of those crucible times; when the pestle and mortar seem to be grinding my spirit into powder. I know! I know in my head that any ministry or help that comes out of me (my life) does so only because of what God does through me. I get that in my head. But human vessels aren’t the same as in animate objects.

It is really hip to use Paul’s vessel metaphor of ministry…well, hip isn’t the right word since the metaphor has been around for over 2,000 yrs. (Ok, maybe I’m just catching up to ministry fashion.) My point is this: clay jars don’t feel. Cracked cups – though they may hold refreshing water – don’t fret over hurting people. Ministry – paid or not - is rewarding and wearisome. Caring for hurting and broken people is exhilarating and draining. And I know that the power to help comes from the Spirit, but lives - healing or hurting - leave an indelible imprint that can’t be ignored.

Right now:
* In a previously wrecked marriage, one of the spouses has yet to realize how out of control they are regarding pills. They show up, half-baked, to a variety of events. The other spouse hurts but can’t “fix” it. I hate what is happening, pray about it often, can’t fix it either, but I still feel it. It makes me angry.
* Another couples 20 something son – got into a fight with his wife some time last week. She went over to her mom’s to cool off and talk it through. He took a bottle of pills, probably to “show her what she made him do;” drove over to the mother-in-laws to display his insane action. No one was home and he died in the drive way. I hate what happened, pray about it, can’t fix it, but still feel it. It hurts my soul.
* One couple I know can’t live with each other anymore – they bring out the worst in each other when together. There has been too much relational abuse, marital apathy, and intentional emotional breakage. They are better people when they are apart. I hate what is happening, pray about it often, can’t fix it, but feel it. It tears at my heart.

So, I heard a sermon today on wanting. “What do you want?” I want to not feel. I want to not hurt. I want everyone to live happy, joyous, and free…looks like that’s not going to happen – at least by tomorrow. This guy who spoke ended his talk with this point: No matter what I think I want, being in the presence of Christ should be my highest priority. If I desire to be with Jesus, long to be where he is, then all the other things will be O.K.

Alright. I’ll try. I’m going to let the first few verses of Ps 63 be my mantra this week, O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in your sanctuary and gazed upon your power and glory. Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself…(NLT).

Maybe tomorrow won’t be so difficult.